


The Muggle-Born Menace

by Nitroglycerific



Series: Mudbloods and Murmurs [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Closeted Character, Good Slytherins, Hijabi Character, Ireland, Lesbian Character, Muggle Studies, Muggle-born Pride, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Multi, Muslim Character, Original Character(s), Queer Themes, Quidditch, Slice of Life, Trans Character, Wizard Journalism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-07 11:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5454278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nitroglycerific/pseuds/Nitroglycerific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aoife O'Sullivan comes to Hogwarts from a lower-income muggle life in Cork, Ireland. On the way, she meets a sympathetic Slytherin and a cassanova Ravenclaw who help her fit into a world she has barely known about for three months. Quidditch matches, wizard journalism, and fantastic beasts ensue. This is the story of their 2016-2017 year at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beyond the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> How to pronounce Aoife: https://youtu.be/P7D25ZsJdHQ
> 
> Note: Because of a long complicated history with this series, I've only read through book 5, and even then only once. I am working my way through the series again as I write this, so expect tweaks here and there as I catch things I forgot. If you notice something that's out of canon with books 1-7 [not Cursed Child], please let me know and I'll do my best to fix it.

A short young teenager strode unescorted through King's Cross Station early on 1 September, 2016. She navigated the station with experienced confidence, her tightly-gathered ponytail bobbing up and down amid a small sea of people taller than herself. Veering left towards Platforms 9 and 10, she escaped the morning commuters and slowed her perfectly-organized trolley to an amble.

The girl scanned her eyes around. A fall chill blew through the air, and a gentle drizzle pattered on the cavernous roof. When she didn't see whatever she was looking for, she pulled her long black ponytail over her shoulder and began running her fingers through it.

Her eyes darted up to one of the clocks on the station wall: 10:18. She allowed herself to relax a bit and leaned against the wall. Surveying the platform, she noticed several other people dressed similar to her: dark robes and overcoats, bulky luggage carts, and fluffy woolen scarves in four basic color schemes.

Eventually, her wandering eyes caught sight of a girl even younger than herself. She had a disheveled bun of light blond hair that she held out of her face while poring over a map of the station. The short, stocky girl was dressed in a dark gray overcoat at least one size too big for herself, and her haphazard trolley was held together with countless bungees. She glanced up from the map every few moments, trying to make sense of her surroundings.

Shrugging, the older girl pushed away from the wall and headed off to the washroom. Her cumbersome trolley made it difficult to maneuver, so she wound up wedging everything into the handicapped stall.

When she came back, the short blonde girl hadn't moved an inch. She just kept glancing up and down from her map. The older girl watched her for a couple minutes, waiting to see if anyone at all was helping her. No one came, and the young girl only looked more and more lost. The black-haired girl sighed and, scanning the platform one more time, sidled up behind her.

"H-hey. First year?"

The younger girl wheeled around with a start. "Huh! Wh- wul I dunno if I should say..."

" _Hogwarts?_ " the black-haired girl whispered. The blonde sheepishly nodded.

"Heh, figured. Alice Heath, third year," the black-haired girl announced, offering her outstretched hand.

"Um, Aoife. O-O'Sullivan," she mumbled, pulling up one of her sleeves to shake Alice's hand.

"Ooh, Irish. You live there? Republic or Northern?"

"Uhh... Ireland Ireland?”  Aoife shrugged, “My ma and pa have a flat in Cork."

"Ahh, well, very nice." Alice rocked back and forth on her boot heels as she glanced up at the clock: 10:33. "Hey, we've got time. You like coffee?"

"Uhh..."

"C'mon, my treat!" Alice trotted off for the closest coffee shop, her trolley in one hand and Aoife's hand in the other.

"H-hang on! Okay! I just gotta bring my trolley!" Aoife scurried back for all her luggage and pulled it as fast as she could to catch up. By the time she got up the counter, Alice was already ordering.

"Good morning! Can I please get a medium pumpkin spice skinny mocha latte with double caramel syrup, double whipped cream and nutmeg sprinkles?" The cashier frantically scribbled down her order, barely keeping up. "And for you, miss?" He looked to Aoife, who was catching her breath next to Alice.

Aoife craned her neck to see the menu, which completely overwhelmed her. She didn't even know how to pronounce half the drinks listed. "Uhhh... Green Tea?"

Alice scoffed, then turned back to the cashier. "Large vanilla green tea frap, double green tea, double whipped cream and chocolate chips on top." The barista’s pen lighted across the page one more time. "Alright, give us about five minutes. Names?"

"Alice."  
"U-uh... Aoife."  
"... What?"

"A-O-I-F-E," she spelled out.

"Uh... okay. It'll be out in five."

The girls hovered around the entrance to the café, their luggage preventing them from getting further inside. Apart from the quiet din of the platform, the girls mostly stood in silence. Aoife kept fidgeting and glancing up at the station clocks. Alice kept scanning her eyes around the platform. Finally, after a couple minutes, the third year spoke up. "I, uh, I gotta confess. I thought your name was spelled E-E-F-A or something."

Aoife nervously chuckled. "Y-yeah, I get that a lot."

"Uhh... 'Ayo-eef?'" the barista called out.

"I also get that a lot," she groaned as she went to retrieve her drink.

A minute later, Alice's name was called, and the girls headed back out to the platform. "So..." Aoife began, darting her eyes about, "h-how do we get to...  _Platform  9¾_?"

"Aheh, yes. It's- well, it's right over there." Alice pointed to a bare patch of brick wall near the end of platform nine.

"It's-... what?"

"C'mon, coast looks clear. I'll show you." Alice began slowly pushing her trolley towards the wall, picking up speed as she went.

Aoife followed in rapidly-mounting concern. "You're not really gonna-" Alice broke into a small jog. "Oh bollocks, you're really gonna."

The trolley wheels rattled more and more the faster Alice went. Aoife flinched and squinted her eyes shut, expecting a tremendous crash any second, but when she opened her eyes again, Alice was nowhere to be found.

"A-Alice?" Aoife called. No answer. She cautiously tugged her trolley to the wall Alice had been running towards. Pressing her drink hand into the wall met with no resistance. In fact, her hand vanished into the wall. Aoife's eyes glinted with discovery. "No way! It's just like back in Dublin!"

She heaved to pull her trolley into the wall, but as soon as her arms were through, a hand grabbed for her elbow. "Gotta get a running start, or else muggles'll see you!" Alice chided.

"O-oh, I- sorry!" the first-year stammered, fighting the urge to poke her head back through to make sure no one saw.

"Ah well, c'mon. Let's drop off our luggage and find a spot before all the window seats are taken."

Aoife turned around to behold a massive, red and gold steam locomotive awaiting her on the tracks. Emblazoned across the front were the words, "Hogwarts Express" in gold trim. She pulled out the ticket stuffed deep in her pocket and looked up at the signs on the wall; they both read Platform  9¾.

"... Bloody hell."

"Yeah, it's pretty grand, isn't it?" Alice said with a glowing sense of pride, as if the train had been her own doing. "Take it in. The sense of grandeur's always best the first time."

The girls walked along the length of the platform, taking in the cool, moist air. Aoife found herself gawking at every third or fourth person she passed. Children in colored scarves and overcoats crowded the platform with their doting parents.

Suddenly, a tiny little creature wearing a tea towel toga darted in front of Aoife and grabbed her trolley from her. "Thank you madam I'll take that please thank you!" Aoife jumped back in surprise, but Alice caught her. "That's the house elves for you. Don't worry, they just wanna pack your luggage."

"B-but my trolley has all those loose bungees. I was supposed to put them all in this bag!" Aoife pulled out a plastic grocery bag from her coat pocket. Alice couldn't resist giggling. "It'll really be alright. They'll take care of everything," she soothed while snatching up a compact suitcase off her own trolley, being pushed off by a second elf. 

Steam idly drifted from the massive engine, getting a fine layer of mist on Alice's heeled leather boots and Aoife's worn sneakers. Alice chose a car towards the back of the train, because "the cart lady works from the back to the front." Aoife just shrugged her shoulders and followed along. The girls settled into a still-empty cabin facing rolling hills that sprawled across wherever the girls had been teleported to. Aoife flopped down in her seat, glanced out the window, then wheeled her head back around a moment later for a double take. 

"What the? We can't still be in London, can we?"

"Hm, I presume so, but I don't actually know where precisely the station is. It's always just been 'through the portal' for me. Then eight hours later, you're at Hogwarts."

Aoife rummaged around in her pocket for a second and pulled out a tiny black rectangle that she began furiously tapping with her fingers. Alice's eyes widened with concern.

"Well, that's bonkers. GPS still says we're in the heart of London. Ah well." Aoife tucked the trinket back in her pocket and glanced back up at Alice, who was staring dumbfounded at Aoife's pocket. "O-oh, I'm sorry! I guess you've never seen a smart phone before."

"N-no, that's not it," Alice began, shaking her head, "I just don't think I was expecting it is all. Muggle stuff is pretty uncommon 'round here."

"Should I... hide it? Or-..."

"No! I-... sorry. I don't think it's a big deal, really. Just... just be careful who you show muggle stuff to. Some other pure-bloods might give you a hard time."

"Great." Aoife leaned back in her seat with a heaving sigh. 

Alice avoided eye contact, stirring her latte up. Aoife remembered she had a drink in her hand, which had gone numb from the cold. She changed hands and mixed the whipped cream and chocolate chips into the rest of her drink. "I have no idea how I'm going to stay up all day. I just wanna crawl into bed already."

"Honestly," Alice mused, "the train'll probably be your last chance for shut-eye if you want it. I can... y'know, give you some space if you'd like to-"

"N-no!" Aoife reached out with her free hand. "No, please. I-... I haven't talked to anyone since my parents dropped me off at the airport in Cork. No one so much as looked at me on the flight, and everyone just gawked at me and my trolley on the tube, and-..." Aoife sniffled, "-a-and it's my first time outside Ireland in my life and I don't know anyone and everyone's gonna already know more than me cause my parents are m-... muggles... and I know literally nothing about being a witch, and-..." she listed a few more grievances, but she had reduced to blubbering tears by this point.

Alice nervously combed her fingers through her ponytail before reaching over and patting the first year's knee. "Hey... it's okay..." This only made her weep harder. After a few more timid hair strokes, Alice rose to her feet and sat beside Aoife. Aoife flopped her head on her upperclassman's shoulder and openly wept. "H-hey... hey, now... it's okay," Alice cooed, cradling Aoife's head. After a few minutes of heaving sniffles, Aoife wiped her face with a draping coat sleeve and tried her best to smile. "O-okay, I'm okay. S-sorry."

Alice took her arm back from around Aoife's shoulders, but stayed next to her all the same. The girls sat in silence a few minutes, looking out over the sweeping plains. Outside their car, a conductor could be heard yelling "Come on, come on! All aboard, the lot o' you!" as he paced up and down the platform.

"H-hey, would you mind if I listened to a little music on my mp3? It's how I got through the plane ride and the tube."

"You're really fine. Listen to whatever you'd like," Alice reassured the girl, who was already slipping an earbud in.

Aoife took a sip from her pale green beverage while she tried her best to make conversation. "So- oh wow that tastes good-... so I guess you live around here?"

"Mm. I live about twenty minutes away from the station." Alice replied, taking a sip of coffee.

"Ah... and, uh, I like your scarf," Aoife murmured, pointing at the green and grey yarn draped around her companion's neck.

"Oh, thanks. It's just my house scarf. You'll get your own once you're sorted."

"Sorted? Oh, right, I think my Ministry guy said something about that."

Alice nodded, scraping whipped topping foam off the sides of her cup. "It'll happen at dinner tonight. You can be Slytherin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, or Ravenclaw. I'm a Slytherin," she boasted, pointing proudly to her scarf.

"Then I hope I'm a Slytherin," Aoife said with a tearful grin. Alice chuckled weakly. 

Minutes after the Hogwarts Express departed, exhaustion overtook the stout little Irish girl, and one of her earbuds dangled at her side. Alice crept back over to her seat and watched the scenery out the window. The weather had cleared and the fall air brightened the entire countryside. Apart from the rattle of the train tracks and Aoife's quiet snores, the cabin was perfectly silent.

Alice watched out the window for a few minutes, soaking in the late morning sun, but kept eyeing the free earbud with curiosity. After some hesitation, she leaned over and picked up the tiny rubber cork. She stuck it into her ear and was immediately greeted by rhythmic, tribal thumping echoing in her skull. Then suddenly, a flamboyant bard began shouting over the ritualistic beat. 

 

> "Buddy you're a boy, make a big noise
> 
> Playing in the streets, gonna be a big man someday!"

As Alice listened, her head began bobbing up and down and her boot heel began tapping to the beat. But before she could get into it any more, the door slid wide open, prompting her to rip the earbud out as fast as she could.

"Alice! There you are!" a tall, energetic girl with long silvery hair hung in the doorway. "Shhh!" Alice hissed as she held her finger up to her lips, pointing to the girl sleeping across from her. The new girl clasped her mouth shut, but Aoife only tossed a bit in her sleep. Alice tiptoed out of the cabin and eased the door shut before flinging her arms around the girl. "Oh my god, Chloe! How are you?!" she cried.

"Oof! I'm fine, honey!" Chloe hugged back, squeezing tight. "So who's the mudblood?" she asked, gesturing toward the sleeping girl inside.

"Oh, just a first year who looked lost, so I helped her find her way."

"Wow, look at you!" Chloe winked, "Someone's really serious about this whole Prefect thing!"

"I swear to Merlin I'm gonna replace you when you graduate!" Alice half-joked.

"Ahahaha! Oh, you're precious! So how was Greece?"

"Oh my god, it was awesome! We hiked partway up Mount Olympus, then we went to see Atlantis! And on our way back to shore, we even saw a Hippocampus stampede!"

"No way! I'm so jel! C'mon, I've got a Slytherin cabin down this way!"

"Sure! Oh, but-" Alice looked through the window at Aoife, who was completely out. Biting her lip, she whispered through the glass, "I'll come back in a few minutes, okay?"

She wheeled back around to follow Chloe. "Alright! Let's go! I've been dying to see everyone!"

"Aww! You're so adorable!" Chloe exclaimed, hugging Alice tight as they scampered down the hall.

 

*~**~~**~*~**~~**~*

 

Aoife jerked awake as the train slowed to a stop. She was all alone in a train car, and night had already fallen. She initially forgot where she was, and began to panic. A conductor slid open her door and chimed, "Hogwarts Station, ma'am! Everyone please disembark. 

Aoife leapt up obediently and sidled off the train, trying her best not to make her panic visible. She scanned the new platform and noticed that everyone around was already dressed in their school robes. Frantically, she threw off her oversized coat to reveal her own school robes underneath. 

" _I'm so glad I thought to do that,"_  she whispered to herself.

Aoife looked around for Alice, but only for a moment, because a towering figure with one of the thickest accents she'd ever heard was ushering all the first years onto ornately-carved wooden rowboats. She could barely make anything out in the lantern light except a scraggly salt-and-pepper beard three feet above her head. As students shuffled past him in the crowd towards the docks, he gently patted their backs to move them along. Aoife squeaked with surprise when she got a pat from his hand, which covered half of her back with ease. "Blimey, I'm sorry lass! I din't mean to scare ye!" 

When she got to the boats, most of them already had a few students inside. She figured a fuller one would be less likely to tip over, so she headed for one with only one spot left. The students in the boat waved. Aoife reached a foot out for the boat, but pulled back for fear of falling.

"C'mon in! The water's fine!" one boy teased.

A couple boys in the bow joined in and began heckling her while rocking the boat up and down. "She can't make it! Oh no! The squid's gonna get her!"

"Will you piss off, you twits!" a boy in the front row shouted as he smacked the boys in the arms.

The massive old man noticed the scene and stomped over to the boat. The wood creaked and bent under his boots. “Oy! What’s goin' on o'er here?!”

“Sorry sir, I’ll try to keep them under control,” the gallant boy replied. Stepping one foot onto the pier, he held out a hand to help Aoife in. "Don't mind Doofus and Dipshit. May I?" Aoife giggled and took the boy's hand into the boat.

The boys in the bow glared at her, but the hulking giant stared them down. "If'n this lass don't make it safe n' dry to the Great Hall, I'll personally feed ye both to the giant squid meself!"

Once every student was seated, the boats launched across a pitch black lake towards a giant castle on the overlooking hill. Aoife snuck a glance at the boy who helped her into the boat as he looked out over the lake. His hair looked scruffy, like he'd cut it himself. He was so blond that his hair almost seemed to glow more than the dim light above them.

The miniscule lanterns on the bow and stern barely illuminated two feet around the boat. Looking into the inky water, Aoife could make out gray shimmering bodies tailing their boat at a short distance. To her relief, they only seemed interested to follow.

"You okay?" The kindly boy asked. Aoife nodded. "Just something human-ish sized following us."

"Eh. Probably a couple grindylows. Merfolk ain't gonna be coming up this far."

She turned to face him, but blushed all over again in his keen gaze. "First day in the wizarding world?" he smirked. "Y-yes. I mean, no. Like, I spent a couple days in Dublin with the Ministry official assigned to me. We visited Gildhearth Lane twice, but it was nothing compared to...  _this!_ " she exclaimed while gesturing towards the sprawling castle looming over them.

The boy chuckled under his breath. "It is a nice view, for sure. Chase MacDougal, by the way," he chimed, bowing his head slightly.

"O-oh, uh, hi. Aoife. O'Sullivan."

"Charmed," Chase replied, trying his absolute hardest to sound suave. Aoife couldn't help cracking up.

"So... what house you hoping for?"

"Oh, Ravenclaw. For sure. My family's been getting sorted Ravenclaw long as anyone can remember," Chase boasted.

"Wow..." Aoife marveled.

"Oh come off it, you sods," the two boorish lads in the front groaned.

The rowboat drifted into a dock waiting for them on the other side of the lake. An enchanted rope caught the figurehead and snugly secured the boat. Aoife and Chase were left waiting at the back of the boat until everyone else had disembarked. At last, Chase leapt off the boat to offer his hand again. Aoife giggled as she grabbed hold.

A tall, austere witch approached the children at their dock. "Good evening, children. I want you all to gather with everyone else at the base of that stairwell over there until everyone is across the lake." She used her silver and oak walking cane to point towards a stone staircase at the farthest end of the dock that appeared to wind off into a gaping cavern.

Once all the students were ashore and gathered around the staircase, the stern witch strode through them, carving a path with her sheer presence. After getting to the front of the crowd, she lost no momentum and simply kept moving up the stairs. "Right, then! This way to the Great Hall!" her voice echoed as she climbed up the stairs. Aoife shuffled alongside Chase, just eager to stay near someone whose name she knew.

The gruff older woman glided through the narrow passages, her cane clapping the stone floor in steady rhythm. Aoife glanced up at her as she marched through the halls. Her stern, unyielding face was framed by a head of wild white hair. 

Each staircase led to a new one over and over, winding through the hillside Hogwarts rested upon. After almost ten minutes of continuous stair-climbing, the students came upon a gaping foyer leading off in multiple directions. By far, the most eye-catching feature of this chamber was the gigantic wooden double doors towering in front of them. With a flick of the wand she held in her leg holster, the witch swung open the enormous doors.

The students were led down the center aisle of a cavernous mess hall with four long tables- one for each house. Kids and teens filled every table, with a few spots left open for newcomers. Hovering in an excited crowd in the side of the great hall was a collection of ghastly spirits from an assortment of time periods, conversing about the newcomer students in hushed, echoing whispers. Four ghosts made themselves at home at the tables, one per house, keenly observing the fresh new batch of students.

Aoife spotted the green-grey table on the far left, and frantically scanned her eyes around. Halfway down the row she finally spotted Alice and excitedly waved when they made eye contact. Alice glanced around her table, then waved back surreptitiously.

"Who you waving at, Alice?" a plump Chinese girl across the table asked.

"Oh, probably just the stray puppy Alice adopted at the train station," Chloe snickered. Alice blushed, avoiding eye contact.

The stern old woman reached the front of the hall. "Right, now! Gather up front here. Leave some space!"

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as children shuffled into a huddled cloud before a slightly raised table of teachers and administrators. On a lone stool at the front of this platform sat a ratty and most unpleasant-looking hat.

"Before we begin the Sorting Ceremony, Headmaster Longbottom has a few opening words for all of you."

A confident, gentle-eyed wizard, younger than several of the teachers, stood up from his seat in the center of the teachers' table. He pointed the tip of his wand, which began to glow white, to his neck. Suddenly, his reserved, quiet voice projected across the auditorium. "Good evening, students. I am, of course, Headmaster Longbottom. I know we're all excited to get everyone sorted so we can eat, but I would just like announce that we have finally found a new Transfiguration professor to fill Headmistress McGonagall's absence, relieving Professor Flitwick of the double duties he has thankfully taken up for the past year. I would like everyone to join me in welcoming Professor Abigail Trudgebuckle."

A wizened old woman, back hunched and skinny as a rail, slowly hoisted herself to her her feet and imperceptibly bowed. The student body halfheartedly clapped for an obligatory five-second quota.

"Good lord, the old biddy won't even make it through one year here. She's gotta be older than whoever she's replacing," Chase whispered in Aoife's ear, who tried to shush him between giggles. The Great Hall drifted back into tense silence as Professor Trudgebuckle took twice as long to ease herself back into her seat.

"Now then, Professor Inverness," the Headmaster nodded to the wild-haired Professor leading the ceremony as he took his seat.

"When I call your name, please come sit on the stool, and I will place the Sorting Hat on your head, and you will all be sorted into your houses. First! Chelsea Adams."

A portly young girl crept up from the back row of the crowd. She sat down on the stool and the tattered hat rested off-kilter on her bushy red mane. The hat sprung to life and began deliberating her appropriate house.

"Oh, that reminds me," Chase whispered. He scurried up to Professor Inverness and exchanged some quick whispers with her. Professor Inverness nodded and shooed him back down to the crowd. "What was that all about?" Aoife inquired. "Oh, nothing. Just checking something real quick." Aoife stared at Chase, curious and unsatisfied, but just then the hat decisively shouted, "Alright then! Ravenclaw!" The blue and silver table on the far right erupted into applause, and the young girl hopped off to join her peers.

"Reem Almasi." A tawny-skinned girl with a dark grey hijab draped around her head skipped up to the stool. "Oho! This doesn't take much deliberation," the Sorting Hat declared, "Hufflepuff!" A middle table of yellow and black took its turn to cheer. "Yes! I knew it!" she cried, leaping off the stool. She ripped off her neutral hijab, revealing a yellow and black one underneath.

The sorting ceremony continued in this fashion for what seemed like forever. Finally, they got down to the M's.

"Chase MacDougal," Professor Inverness announced. "Yes!" Chase whispered. A couple students at each table exchanged curious whispers with each other as the professor placed the hat on his head. "Oh Lord, another MacDougal. Well, here we go again! Ravenclaw!"

Chase dismounted and proudly strutted over to his cheering companions. Aoife frowned and watched her new friend saunter off. Now she was stuck choosing between Slytherin and Ravenclaw.

After one more name was called in between, Professor Inverness finally summoned Aoife O'Sullivan to be sorted, correct pronunciation and everything. She nervously climbed up in the seat and brushed her draping blonde bangs to the side. As the hat was lowered onto her head, Aoife whispered in her head, "Slytherin or Ravenclaw. Slytherin or Ravenclaw."

"Really? First time in a long time I've heard a muggle-born begging to be in Slytherin."

"W-well... that's the house this nice girl I met is in."

"With all due respect, my dear, I don't think you're quite Slytherin material."

"What? Why?!"

"Slytherin is a house of ambition, drive. Of insular proprieties. There hasn't been a Slytherin I've sorted who didn't already have their seven years at Hogwarts planned out."

"I-... I guess I'll go with Ravenclaw, then. The other guy was cute."

"Little girl, you will be perfectly capable of socializing with both of these people, even if you are in neither of their houses. The sorting ceremony is not about others. The sorting ceremony is about you, where you'd most belong. Where you're meant to be."

Aoife frowned, looking up to the brim of the Sorting Hat. "So you're telling me no."

"I am simply telling you you would not be happiest in Ravenclaw or Slytherin. In fact, I think you would make a brilliant Gryffindor," the hat whispered earnestly. "I... I actually know the least about Gryffindor," Aoife interjected.

"Really? Funny, Gryffindors usually love to self-promote. It's the lion! The paladin! The intrepid explorer guided by the stars of their conscience. It's in you, I know it. That's where I see you."

"Pff. You're kidding right?"

The hat was silent a moment, then flatly stated, "I never joke about sorting."

Aoife fidgeted nervously under the offended hat, before finally conceding. "Fine, if you think I'm supposed to be a Gryffindor, I'll be a Gryffindor."

"Then so you'll be! GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted. The maroon and gold table in the middle erupted into applause, vigorously shaking hands with the timid little girl as she hurried to a seat.

"Aww, looks like your little puppy went Gryffindor," Chloe chimed to Alice. "Oh well, good for her. She'll be happy over there."

"Aw, bollocks." Alice muttered from Slytherin table.


	2. Kids

As Aoife shuffled down the row of Gryffindors to the nearest open seat, excited children greeted her the entire way.

"Alright! Another first-year!"

"Welcome to Gryffindor!"

"Oh, wow, uh- thanks," Aoife stammered as she took a seat next to two upperclassmen.

"Hey there. Mitchell Morris, Prefect of Gryffindor House," an older black boy next to her said as he eagerly shook her hand.

"Hey, nice to meet you! Alex Thompson," a girl with fiery red hair whispered through a Slytherin's sorting.

"Shh!" another girl up front hissed at her classmates. Alex turned back to face ahead, pouting.

The ceremony continued for another twenty minutes, until every last student was sorted. Finally, Headmaster Longbottom rose and held his wand to his throat once again.

"Congratulations, first-years on your respective house sortings. In the seven years you spend at this magnificent institution, your house will be your closest companions, in proximity and hopefully in comradery. I hope your fellow housemates make you all feel welcome and safe. And now, let the feast... begin!"

With a wave of his hand, a veritable cornucopia of food appeared out of thin air along all four house tables and the professors' table up front.

"Oh bless the House Elves. I'm so hungry!" Alex cheered, eyeing everything ravenously. Everyone dug into the bounty sprawling over their table, with over a dozen muggle and wizarding dishes each.

Aoife started off with muggle foods: dollops of mashed potatoes, cuts of glaze-drizzled meats, and steaming hot cinnamon rolls, but her appetite had at long last caught up with her and she rapidly moved to trying wizard foods as well. She filled her glass with a sweet, foamy drink the other kids called butterbeer, sampled a fluffy pink tart and shoved a handful of colorful jelly beans into her mouth.

"Oh Lord! The first-year just did a suicide of Bertie Bott's," a boy several seats down shouted.

A small crowd of Gryffindors stood up to see her reaction. Alex watched with amusement while continuing to sneak bites of chicken. Aoife's mouth was instantly filled with a chaotic assortment of flavors, both wonderful and terrible. There was bubble gum, peppermint, ham sandwich, dryer lint, bland spaghetti, honey, sweaty sock, lime, dill, and a few more Aoife couldn't even describe. "Oh man, she's gonna lose it," Mitchell chuckled.

After a few turbulent moments, Aoife steeled her gag reflex and slowly swallowed the ball of jumbled flavors.

The middle of the Gryffindor table erupted in cheers, to the confusion of everyone around them. "Settle down, Gryffindor!" Professor Inverness barked from the front table. The students took their seats, giggling all the while. "Aw man, that was great," Mitchell guffawed. Aoife halfheartedly joined in, but she couldn't quite tell if she was being laughed with or at.

"So, hey," Alex asked between bites of chicken wings, "ya like Quidditch?"

"Oh, leave her out of it Alex," a boy across from the redhead butted in, "First year ain't cut out for beater."

"What? She's got a good build for it," Alex insisted.

"I do? No, wait," Aoife shook her head, "What do I have a good build for?"

"Oh my god, Aoife! I saw the Bertie Bott's suicide from my table. That was amazing!" Chase had rounded the Ravenclaw table and was now sitting across the aisle from her.

"Wha? Oh, thanks Chase. And congratulations on getting into Ravenclaw."

"Why thank you!" His chest swelled with confidence. "My brother's totally mental right now, he's so excited."

"You didn't mention you had a brother."

"Oh yeah, Cameron. Fifth year." Chase pointed over to a thick brown-haired boy further down the Ravenclaw table. Upon being pointed at, he stood up briefly and waved furiously at his brother with both arms. "He's the new captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team this year."

"Okay, what the bloody hell is Quidditch?" Aoife asked, rubbing her forehead. 

"Hmm... it's kinda like Wizard football," Alex tried to explain. "You like sports at all?"

"Eh," Aoife shrugged, "I mean, I played a little baseball last summer and the summer before. That was pretty fun. Oh, and I watch the World Cup when it comes around, but that's mostly just cause everyone else gets so excited about it."

"You liked baseball? _Oh my god_ , Mitchell we have to recruit her!" Mitchell burst out laughing.

"Trust me, wizard sports are way more exciting," Alex boasted to Aoife. "Your job would be easy, though. All beater involves is flying around and whacking balls with a bat."

"Flying?! Like... like Superman?"

"Super _who_?" asked Chase.

This time, it was Alex who burst out laughing. "Hahaha! No, I mean on broomstick."

"B-but I haven't even ridden a broom!" Aoife protested.

"Pfft, so haven't half the first-years from wizarding families," Chase said dismissively. "Not for real anyway. I'll be giving it a shot. The worst that happens is they tell you no till next year."

"Well, I guess it's worth a shot," Aoife mused, taking a swig of butterbeer.

"What she's forgetting to tell you," said Mitchell, who finally stopped laughing enough to speak, "is that those balls you'll be batting around weigh over fifty kilos."

Aoife's jaw dropped. "What?!" The prefect exploded into laughter all over again.

"The bat's enchanted to make it easier to hit!" Alex protested, "And, y'know, if anything goes wrong, we can always patch you up!"

Dinner carried on boisterously all around Aoife. Every now and then, she caught glimpses of Alice across the room at the Slytherin table, but the third year never took notice. She was deep in conversation with a stunningly beautiful older girl, whose pearlescent hair shimmered in the candlelight.

"Whatchu looging a' so har?" Alex asked, muffled by chicken wings. Aoife didn't notice at all, so Alex waved a hand in her line of sight.

"Huh?! Wha?!" exclaimed Aoife as she jerked back to awareness.

Alex teasingly patted the first year's head. "What had you so fascinated, goofball?"

"I... oh. I guess I was looking at that girl over there," Aoife muttered, pointing out the girl beside Alice.

"Ohhhh," teased Alex, "I see."

"What? What??"

"Oh, no no no," Alex giggled, "nothing at all." Mitchell muffled his snickering in his hands. Aoife blushed and tried to turn her attention to picking out flavors of Bertie Bott's she suspected were good.

After an hour and a half of feasting, the students were groaning with full bellies. Alex lay her head on the table, holding her sides. "Oh god. I think I ate at least forty wings."

"Not to mention what I assume was nearly a pint of potatoes," Mitchell chuckled.

"Ohhh, don't remind me."

Up at the professors' table, Headmaster Longbottom was thoroughly engrossed in conversation with the school nurse to his right. At last, a wizard with red and white speckled hair tiptoed down the row of teacher's tab nudged the headmaster, pointing out the time on an oversized muggle stopwatch. Headmaster Longbottom caught himself mid-sentence and quickly stood up again.

"Well, I hope everyone had enough food!" Several students, including Alex groaned in response. With a sweeping wave of Longbottom's hand, the decimated platters and dirty dishes vanished. In their place, vases of magical flowers floated on the tables, each house getting a different species. Aoife marveled at Gryffindor's flower: a bright scarlet lily with a gently flaming stamen.

"Now it is high time for us all to head off to bed," Longbottom continued, "We've got a busy day of classes ahead of us. Prefects, if you could show your houses the way to their common rooms?"

Six older students at each table stood up. They directed their house to follow them out of the Great Hall. Aoife and Chase shuffled side by side in their house lines. Once in the gaping foyer, each house headed down a different path. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw followed each other up a massive spiral staircase. Aoife darted her eyes around, but Alice was already gone, leading the Slytherin party with Chloe. Staircase after staircase, the children climbed five floors together.

"Oh... my god..." Aoife wheezed, "why don't... wizards have... escalators?"

"Why would wizards want a hoist here?"

"I- escalators aren't hoists!"

"You're not talking about those hoist thingies we use for lifting golems and nerites?" Chase asked, bemused.

"N-no. Different- muggle escalators are like magic stairs that carry you all the way."

"That would be amazing here!" exclaimed Chase.

Aoife groaned. "I know."

Mitchell ushered the Gryffindor students onto a staircase spanning the tower diagonally, while the thick, scruffy-faced boy directed the Ravenclaws down a lengthy corridor to the right. Chase frantically waved to Aoife on his way out of the tower.

Once all the Gryffindors were loaded up on the stairs, Mitchell tapped the banister, and the entire staircase moved and connected to a different hallway at the top. "The stairs are sometimes pranksters, but if they aren't where you need them, get an older classmate to help you out for the first week or so. _Scala reformo_ should be one of the first spells they teach you in Charms."

"Oh come on, I'm gonna have to memorize where each hall goes and where each staircase can go just to get back to the common room?" Aoife muttered.

The students climbed another two flights of stairs before Mitchell finally stopped in front of a massive, ornately framed portrait of a fat lady. She wore a flowing red Victorian ballgown and held a bottle of green liquid in her hand.

"Hiccup! H'lo, dears! Password?"

" _Lion's loins_ ," said Mitchell.

The fat lady snickered with delight. "Clever, isn't it?"

"It actually is," he said, fighting back a giggle.

With a wave of her hand, the fat lady and her painting swung off the wall, revealing a round door to a magnificent crimson and gold study. Ancient tapestries in draped over the walls, and the glowing warmth of the hearth seeped into the doorway. Older students immediately clambered inside. Aoife was pushed through the door in the excitement, adrift in the boisterous crowd.

The Gryffindor common room was enormous. She had no idea how such a cavernous room could fit in such a slender tower. Aoife gaped openly at the marvelous tapestries and paintings on the walls. Several paintings noticed her staring and waved back. A few older boys pushed past her and hopped over an armchair, trying to push each other out of the way.

"I'm Card Minister first!"

"Nuh-uh! I am!"

"No, sod off! You got to be first last year!"

Aoife watched the boys squabble as an older girl with kinky red hair strode past her. With a commanding wave of her hand, she broke the boys up. "Alright! Hands off, or I'll take five points right off the bat!" The students parted for the wild redhead as she snatched up the gold and scarlet box the boys were fighting over.

"What the-?

"Cards Against Humanity," Alex explained, coming up next to her. "We've got a copy just for Gryffindor. Cards Against Wizardkind. Any cards that purebloods just wouldn't get, we've modded to say something different."

Aoife's eyes glinted with excitement. "My parents didn't even let me have Apples to Apples! D'you think... they'd let me..."

"Uh, yeah?" Alex scoffed, "It's been a tradition for six years now for everyone, first through seventh year to try to stay up all night playing on the first night of the new year."

The stern redheaded girl had sent the boys slinking away. She strode over to stand beside Mitchell holding the game behind her back. Mitchell got the students' attention and began his announcements. "Alrighty guys, let's get through opening business for the first years, and then we can get started. I'm Mitchell Morris, and this is Erika Darby. We are your seventh year prefects this year. As the returning students can see nothing's really changed. Boys' dormitories are to the right, girls' to the left. First years, your rooms will be the first one on each staircase. The password to the common room, as you heard, is ' _lion's loins_.'" Several younger students snickered, including Aoife.

"And lastly," Mitchell continued, "This is just an obligatory reminder that Gryffindor House does not condone you using any of the choice words in Cards Against Wizardkind outside the game." He held the red and gold box up for everyone to see. "Headmaster Longbottom is happy to let us keep it around, but if we start getting too pottymouthed, he's warned me he'll have to take it away. Let's be good girls and boys so we can keep a good thing going." The student body halfheartedly mumbled in approval.

"Okay," Erika barked, "Next, we'll go around and introduce the other four prefects." Several kids groaned as four older students stepped forward in two pairs. "First, please welcome back our sixth year prefects, Madeline Mull and Gregory Greeves!" The students clapped languidly for the slender girl and stocky boy.

"And now, our fifth year prefects. Please welcome Gryffindor's favorite twins, Evan and Evelyn Huang!" Erika gestured to a tall boy with scruffy black hair and an equally tall girl with black hair that fell lazily down to her shoulders. The fifth year prefects got slightly more applause, mostly from a few of their overly excited friends.

"They're on the team too," Alex whispered to Aoife between claps. "Evan's keeper, and Evelyn's our other beater"

"Finally, we'll introduce our new first years, then we'll get the game underway."

"Boo! We can meet them while playing!" the students cried. "Start the game! Start the game!" they began chanting.

Erika began to protest, but the chanting continued. She turned to Mitchell, who could only shrug and smile. She covered her face with her palm as she handed the game off.

 

__________

 

"Girls' dorms are left, boys' dorms are right." a commanding black-haired girl explained. "If any of you find yourselves claustrophobic sleeping under the lake, take comfort in the knowledge that the windows haven't broken in almost three hundred years."

Chloe butted in as a few first years glanced around at the stained glass windows in the Slytherin common room, "U-uh, if you do happen to have any claustrophobia problems, though, just get one of us prefects and we'll help you out."

Alice watched the prefects give their introductions from the first row, surrounded by timid first years who needed the lesson far more than she did.

"Lastly, Slytherin likes to leave the first night open-ended so you can get a head start on your classes if you want," a dark-skinned boy with slick black hair stepped forward to explain.

"Or if you desperately need to finish some summer homework," a fellow third-year whispered sarcastically beside Alice.

"The prefects will be hosting a casual study hall down here in the common room tonight. You're welcome to socialize on the other end of the room, just try not to get too loud. If you have any questions about your course content, feel free to ask any prefect." As soon as he finished talking, the boy strode off and took his seat at a table by the fireplace.

The Slytherins stood around quietly, looking to each other for confirmation the speech was over. After an uncomfortable silence, Chloe peeped up again. "Uh... that's it! You're all free. G'night!" The crowd slowly dispersed as the prefects seated themselves around the common room. Alice pulled up a chair to Chloe's table immediately. "Oh hell, that was awkward," she said under her breath.

"Ugh, seriously." Chloe whispered, resting her chin on her hand. "Amir can be so ditzy sometimes. He forgot he was talking to me mid-sentence a couple years ago."

Alice giggled. "So I guess you're the Potions and Herbology tutor again this year?"

"Yeah, although I really hope no one actually comes to me tonight for help," Chloe muttered, leaning in, "I've got N.E.W.T. Herbology first before dawn, then N.E.W.T. Potions right after. I need to study up, myself."

"You got into Headmaster Longbottom's class?!"

"Heh, I almost didn't," Chloe leaned back in her padded leather armchair, a blush dusting her porcelain cheeks. "I got an O on my Potions O.W.L. no problem, but I just barely got an E on my Herbology O.W.L."

"Still it's amazing that you got in!" Alice excitedly whispered.

Chloe groaned. "I guess, but we'll be meeting before dawn all year, three times a week, so we can work with light-sensitive plants. I'm gonna be permanently exhausted this year."

"Really?" Alice remarked, "I don't think you're even capable of exhaustion."

Chloe tried in vain to stifle her snorting laughter.

"Shhh! C'mon, Chloe," the commanding black-haired prefect hissed from a nearby table.

"Sorry!" Chloe giggled quietly.  Alice watched her friend's snowy white hair bob up and down until she began to zone out.

"Hmm? What's that look?" Chloe smirked, leaning in to meet Alice's stare.

"Huh?! O-oh, sorry!"

"Oh, no. It's no problem at all," chimed Chloe.

Alice hastily scooted her armchair back, feeling her face flush. "W-well if you need to study don't let me get in your way." 

"Aww, no! Don't go!" Chloe reached her hand across the table. Alice tugged her ponytail over her shoulder and began weaving her fingers through it. "You sure?"

"Mm," Chloe smiled warmly, "I like keeping you around." Alice combed through her hair as an uneasy smile lined her face. "Well..."

"U-uh, excuse me? Miss Norling?" a quiet first year asked as she approached their table.

"Hm? Yes, honey. What can I do for you?"

"Well, Miss Starlen told me to come see you about a question I had with potions."

"Ahaha, rightly so I guess," Chloe sighed, glancing over to the black-haired girl. "Thank you, Calissa!"

"I-I'll just let you two be." Alice mouthed before scurrying up the stairs. 

 

__________

 

The Ravenclaw moonlight social was well underway. For the evening, the ceiling of the aviary had been charmed to resemble the Great Hall's, and spectral ravens danced in the air above the students' heads. Children mingled throughout the lavish commons, often breaking off into cliques or retrieving more punch from a silver fountain in the middle of the room. Chase was leaning against a cool marble wall, flipping through Wizard Cards with two first-year girls when a hand reached out to tap his shoulder.

"Oh hey. Alright, Cameron?"

"Omigod, Cameron MacDougal!" one of the girls exclaimed. The other girl stood transfixed, blushing redder and redder the more she stared.

"Evening, kids. Mind if I steal Chase for a bit?" The girls nodded fervently and scooted back. Cameron clapped an arm around Chase's shoulder and made their way out to a small, empty balcony. They leaned over the railing, gazing off to the moonlit foothills.

"So... how was your- um- first day?" said Cameron.

"Good... great, even."

"Y'know... you could have let me know before we split up on the train. I barely even recognized you at the sorting."

"Heh, thanks for the compliment."

"You know mum's gonna kill you when we go home for Christmas, right?"

"...I know." Chase sank down and rested his head on his folded arms.

Cameron sighed, then draped his arm around his little brother's shoulder. "Anything I can do to help?"

"...Just stick around when the time comes."

"Oh. Well I meant immediately, but sure. You got it."

 

*~**~~**~*~**~~**~*

 

"Okay, the winner has gotta be 'A Hoard of Dragon Dildos!'"

"Yes! That was mine!" Aoife squealed.

Alex flopped backwards onto the couch, exasperated. "Nooo! That makes us tied!" The room cheered and booed, depending on which player they had been rooting for.

"C'mon, Erika. One more hand!"

"No!" Erika snapped, "That was the last hand! Breakfast is starting in ten minutes. We should've stopped half an hour ago!"

Everyone in the common room groaned with exhaustion. The rest of the first years crawled out from the chairs and couch arms they'd fallen asleep under and stretched uncomfortably. "Everybody go up to your dorms and make sure you have your textbooks for the day, some parchment, and two quills!"

"Ah well," Alex held out her hand to firmly shake Aoife's. "Well played, squirt. For reals." Aoife jostled a little in her boisterous grip. The two crawled to their feet and made their way up to the girls' dorms. Alex kept climbing the stairs as Aoife turned off into the first bedroom.

She found all her belongings stowed neat and tidy in front of a poster bed nestled in the closest thing to a corner. All she wanted to do was fall face-first into the bed and sleep for a week.

"Nope! I see that look!" Alex chided from the bedroom door, with her books in tow. 

"I wasn't- no you can't!"

"You wanna go to sleep. I know cause we all do," Alex swept a pointing finger to all the younger students in the room, "But the sleep-deprived delirium the next day is half the fun!"

Aoife huffed and grabbed her oversized knapsack, stuffed to the brim with spiral notebooks, ballpoint pens, and used copies of all her books. She pulled her phone from her neatly folded coat, and saw that the battery was running low.

Pulling a charge cord from another pocket, she fumbled around her bed and nightstand searching for the socket.

"... What are you doing?" Jessica Ethers, a third year girl next to her asked.

"D'you know where the plug-ins are around here?"

"The what-ins?"

Aoife's jaw dropped.


End file.
